Q:dear penguin, i work for a large government agency and i have a problem. my boss is really pissed off because i fell asleep on the job and the economy tanked. it could have happened to anyone.
how do i fix the numbers?
~ desperate in washington ~
A:
dear Timothy. Penguin is honored to help you with you little money problem.
first, you cannot 'fix numbers'. numbers never lie. presentation is another slice of bacon on toast. your attached graph does appear to show certain ruin for your country. But you CAN make shit look like a jelly dognut if you sprinkle enough sugar.
follow these simpleton steps:
- avoid hi-low charts, they are much too revealing to economists. on the other foot, if you are trying to confuse joe-the-guitar-strummer then hi-low is the way to go.
- change from portrait to a landscape view. you want to maximize the horizontals and minimize the verticals. you never look fat in vertical stripes. horizontal stripes, however, tend to make one look shady. { hacker prison pun }.
- consider using an inconspicuous, soothing pastel plot line and make the line more wider. the wider line smooths away those ugly wrinkles.
- i personally prefer blue, because blue corresponds with conservatism. i understand that south of the border the colors are reversible, so blue means liberal and red means conservative. { you have a very confusing country } either way, try to avoid red unless you are trying to make things look more worser like the The (Toronto) Star, does in the following front-page example. { how to start a panic for dummies }
- include superfluous graphics to "flatten" the chart even more. white space looks suspicious, and looks are important.
- finally, tip the chart to the Left. if you tip it far enough, you boss will think the economy is making money and the problem has been solved! your country is well on the road to virtual-recovery. then you can go back to sleep!
IF YOU TEAM IS PLAYING SHORT-HANDED,
AND THE CLOCK IS RUNNING OUT,
AND THE OPPOSITION IS CLOSING IN ON A
BREAK-AWAY...
PUNT!
AND THE OPPOSITION IS CLOSING IN ON A
BREAK-AWAY...
PUNT!
this technique is known as 'opacification'.
Was this over-dramatized, Technicolor, uncalibrated, chart, on the front page of TheStar at the outset of an economic 'event', warranted in order to inform the public of a looming crisis, or was it intended to...
...just pour more
fools on the pyre?
~ nemo fossor ~
